by: Mari Lyles
I have a very good friend, Sue, who is miserable in every way.She’s divorced, lonely, broke and angry. On the other hand, I’m divorced, not broke and satisfied. Since misery loves company, I find I’m not much use to my friend these days. I’m just not in the same “down in the dumps” place as she, and she doesn’t like it. She resents my calmness.
While I’m not deliriously happy, dancing on clouds, I’m in no way sad, depressed or angry. Sure I’d love to have a companion. When I’m really, really ready I’ll consciously create one to join me on my journey. Until that happens, I’m fine and in a comfortable place. The difference between me and my friend and numerous other divorced women, is the definition of the problem, and the approach we take to resolve it.
To Sue, the definition of a divorced woman is loser, scorned, outcast.She has defined herself by her situation and colored it with a kaleidoscope of noxious feelings.My definition is totally different. I view divorce as a failed relationship with a myriad of lessons, do’s and don’ts, warnings, and possibilities. It has nothing to do with who I am; it simply reflects a period in my life where my ex-husband and I made foolishdecisions.I have learned to define myself by my sense of self worth. Divorced or not, I’m still as fabulous as the day I was born.
Sue believes that without a husband, she can’t and won’t be happy. It is only until a man joins her at the hip that she will be able to laugh like she used to, cook like she used to, party like she used to. Consequently, she has let herself become a dissheveled, whiny victim, not realizing her appearance and attitude speaks volumes. It has a lot to do with her not being able to attract a good. To me, a husband should simply be icing on a cake. I’ve already prepared - not the cake itself.
To all the “Sues” out there, here are a few words of advice:
1.Divorce has nothing to do with your happiness.You and you alone create your own happiness.You can be married 40 years and still feel like you’re alone.Divorce, ladies, is a word, just like any other.Its power lies in the connotations you attach to it.
2.Singleness, believe it or not, can be a great time in your life.I can hear “boo’s” and “hisses” from some of you out there.Unfortunately, society too often views singleness as a state akin to being less than and, not quite good enough.And, again, unfortunately, too many women buy into it, and end up in disastrous relationships just to say they’ve met someone.But society doesn’t have to dictate how we view this period.We have free will and can view it as an opportune time to get our lives together, to find out who we are and how our actions affect our circumstances, to straighten up our act and to dust out all the moldy corners of our psyche that have circumvented us from living the lives we desire.Singleness can be one of the greatest learning periods we’ll ever have.
Think of it this way.You’re going to be alone until hopefully you meet a great guy.Why not propose here and now to make this waiting time the best time of your life.The choice is yours to make!
Mari Lyles is a Life and Relationship Coach in the metropolitan D.C. area. She has worked with women for over 18 years. Mari holds IPEC Life Coaching certification and RCI Relationship certification. Mari blogs for the D.C. Examiner.com; Selfworth.com; Pathjoy.com; Task-fm.com and Yourtango.com. Her blogs are known for their wit, but mainly for their ability to raise women’s consciousness levels and help women foster confidence and find approval within. She also writes for HopeAfterDivorce.org, FamilyShare.com and LAFamily.com.